A Life Worth Living

On one of the mornings in the middle of house chores, the boys were in full mischief instead of doing what they were supposed to. All the while, I was working hard.

Every few seconds it seemed like I had to call on one of them and remind them what they were supposed to be doing and begrudgingly they would resume their chores. To make it worse, they weren’t carrying out those the way I wanted (the way I’ve trained them) so I was beginning to feel really peeved. Then, I had a flashback of myself as a child.

As I considered my frustrations with them, I realized that my younger self wasn’t any different. I had my areas of immaturity that drove my parents crazy. I also remember being keenly aware that I could not meet the expectations that had been placed on me. My internal struggle was like a noose tightening every time I failed to meet the standard whether academically or behaviorally. In my young eyes, love was tied to behavior. These memories of self and I’d even say prompts from the Holy Spirit to stop and reflect, were gentle reminders that even now, in their meager and imperfect efforts to do what I was asking, they were fully loved, by me. This love is what I want my boys to remember.

I would love to say that I pulled my boys close that very instant and told them I loved them but no it didn’t happen in that moment. In that moment, I paused and stopped my propeller-like firing of instructions. I leaned in to the prompts from the Holy Spirit to remember the kind of love I have received from my heavenly father. It’s a love that hasn’t waited for me to be perfect. Instead God has loved me at my worst and continues to love me.

Later when I was calmer, when I had more time to process my thoughts, to surrender my heart and allow God to soften it, I pulled my boys close just like when they were 2 and told them my story. A story of on one occasion in my childhood. I was supposed to be mopping the floor, instead, I chose to pour the soapy water on the floor and slide from one wall to the next with my friend. In the process I fell and chipped one of my front teeth. The chip is still there. I told them how I didn’t love school and wasn’t the best student, and yes, like them, given the opportunity I would have chosen TV over a good book any day. They laughed and imagined me at their age. I reminded them of my love for them. That I love them just the way they are. I also reminded myself to tamper my expectations. I am not waiting to love them, I love them now, even in their childish ways. Don’t wait to tell the people in your life you love them. Not the future ideal you wish they could be or hope they will be. The person they are now.